The secret to 63 years of marriage

Couple In Love
credit: Hamed Masoumi

So I happened across an elderly couple recently, she was sick and he was fussing over her.

They were foreigners, I could tell from their accents, perhaps Czech.

I wondered (as I do from time to time) if they had been a couple for quite some time. Let me just note at this point that I have previously smiled at an elderly couple and asked how long they had been together and received the reply “oh, 18 months now!” so nothing really surprises me these days.

Anyway, getting back to the Czech’s. Something about them seemed bonding, maybe it was the look in his eyes as he was leaving her for the night, I’m not sure. I asked him how long they had been together.

“Just a short time” he replied. “63 years of marriage”.

Wow! I was completely intrigued. My mind was racing with questions like “are you serious? What is this big secret that so many people miss out on? How do you stay together for that long?!”

And so I asked him: “What advice can you give to someone like me, what’s the secret?”

“Love”, he pleads with me, with his hands out in front of him.

At this point I’m thinking to myself “Love!? What a letdown! That’s no secret!” And he went on….

“Love, just love. Taking care of each other in good times and bad.”

Interestingly enough, I asked the same question to his spouse later on: “Love” she replied earnestly. “And when you fight, finish the argument, resolve your issues and go to bed as friends.”

So later I find myself musing on this, ready for 63 years of marriage because all of a sudden I’m armed with this amazing, hidden secret that no one has heard about before: love!

In retrospect however, I wondered if there was something I missed?

Flowers
credit: Jeff Kubin

What is love?

What are we even talking about when we make a general statement like “All you need is love” (thanks, John Lennon!)

What is love? Enjoying someone’s company? Thinking about them and wanting to be near them? Or is it more about putting other people first, meeting their needs and making them feel special?

Maybe it’s about complimenting your partner in public or when surrounded by friends. Maybe it’s about missing them when they’re not around, or longing to be with them. I’m sure it has a lot to do with partnership and enjoying each other’s company. And of course it’s also about physical attraction.

In truth, the concept of love is all these things and more. The secret therefore to having a 63 year marriage is not only “love”, it’s all of the things that love embodies – having a love for each other that transcends our stupid selfishness.

After all, a deep and meaningful loving relationship asks us to be selfless. Putting ourselves first in life will not encourage longevity in any relationship.

It’s funny how a single word of advice from a veteran of marriage can spark up so many ideas and thoughts. Maybe a question we can ask of ourselves is “if I really love my partner, what am I doing about it?” Or, “am I still behaving as if I really love this person? Have I let my standards slip?”

To your success in love and life!