A few years ago there was a principal change at my kids local school. The previous headmaster was a really well liked guy, and many people were upset that he was leaving.

credit: VeVi

His personality was dynamic! He was a great public speaker and when you spoke with him one on one, you really felt like he was genuinely interested in what you had to say.

There was a lot of build up over his prospective replacement - a lady with many qualifications who had beaten several other applicants in order to get the position. She certainly had an extensive background and was well qualified in the field.

I had several interactions with this lady as she settled into her new role, but I often found it hard to connect with her. Her introductory speeches at the school were awkward and it was difficult to understand the point of what she was saying at times. In the initial few months when a new headmaster takes over it’s fair to allow a bit of leeway as they settle into the new role, so I put it down to “she’s just settling in”.

About 6 months after she arrived, she had adopted a new tactic. In order to get to know the parents better, she mixed with them after school. This was a great concept! Simply walking around and saying ‘hi!’ to people or having a quick chat is a great way to meet parents and let them know you are interested in the school community.

There were several times where I had the opportunity to speak with her briefly, and the conversations normally revolved around “so what do you do?” etc. The more I spoke with her however, the less I liked her! I found myself avoiding her when it came time for her to do the after school rounds, and I remember thinking to myself ‘there’s something not right with this lady’.

I wanted to make sure it was not me who felt this way, so I spoke about it at length with other parents involved with the school. What I discovered was there was a fairly common element: most of the people felt a lack of connection with her. (Also there were some public speaking issues, but I’ll discuss that another day!)

credit: le chéf

One day while I was talking with her I watched her really closely and it hit me. She was not listening to me at all! She was asking the same questions as she did right back at the start: “so, what do you do with yourself?” but worst of all she looked right through me.

Have you ever come across these people? You’re talking to them and they’re nodding but not listening to anything you say. Their eyes are constantly flicking over your shoulder to see who they can talk to next. I’m sure I could have answered, “oh, I work as a bunny rabbit picking acorns on the moon” and she would have nodded and replied “oh right, right….”

Look into my eyes - and listen!
The new principal had a really great idea but really poor delivery - it’s no good trying to connect with people if they can sense you have no interest in them at all. It became clear that the meet and greet was purely for her own agenda: to increase her public profile. She had no interest in really meeting and listening to people, and gradually her popularity as a principal dropped right off.

David Bohl at The Change Blog has written a really great article on making today more meaningful in which he eludes to the fact that it’s important to pay attention and listen to other people. Likewise, a lot of material on relationships talks about the importance of listening to other people and making a connection with them.

Thinking about this lady has been a good reminder for the way I interact with other people when I’m not really interested in them! I’ve learned to adopt a couple of quick steps that can really help:

1. The most important person is in front of me right now. I always think about this when I’m talking to someone, particularly if they’re not so interesting. There might be an opportunity to learn something from this person or for them to gain something from you. I’m a big believer in things happening for a reason - for some reason you have been brought together, remind yourself that the other things you are interested in can wait.

credit: Linds K

2. Look into their eyes. This is so important - don’t look over the person’s shoulder, they can tell that you are not interested. Give them your full attention. Don’t be that guy at the party that’s always looking around the room to see who else he can talk to that’s more important!

3. Listen. Really listen to people! Reiterate things back to them to show that you’ve been listening, ask some questions - what’s the point of you conversing with someone if all you have to offer is a false nod and a smile?

How do you go when interacting with people that you don’t really like or aren’t so interested in? Sometimes it’s easy to slip into the natural role of giving off an ‘uninterested vibe’ by giving quiet little mouse answers or just nodding and looking around the room.

Give it a go this week - think about your own interactions with other people and try a few different techniques. As far a concepts like personal growth, communication skills and improving the way you interact with others goes, this is a good place to start.