One of the greatest things about my relationship with my wife is that we have a lot of “in” jokes, little one and two word sayings that trigger memorable or funny times in our life that we shared together. I don’t know if all couples share in this crazy game, or if it’s something that starts to develop only after several years together, when you’ve built up a repertoire of memories!
If I were to say to her, “It’s not open for discussion!” (with lisp), for example, we would both instinctively laugh at the memory of a crazy science teacher we had, with comb-over hair and pocket protectors and a favourite one-line response to most questions asked of him.
Another such memory I have is from a few years back when we had a strange encounter with an acquaintance, and goes something like this:
I use the term acquaintance because this wasn’t a particularly close friend, although we did know each other through various circles, he and I. On one occasion his daughter was playing at our house, and he came to pick her up at dinner time. At the front door we had a brief, superficial conversation about how each other was going, although he seemed a little evasive when I asked him what he’d been up to lately.
He paused for a bit, and asked if he could come in for a minute. “Sure” I replied, and in he came.
For the next fourty-five minutes we had a very strange, awkward conversation where he outlined his thoughts on how we should change every product in our house to organic, safe, carcinogen free products. He even went so far as to grab some of our shampoos to show us how the ingredients included carcinogenic materials, and that due to some act of conspiracy it was all being suppressed by the media.
Turns out his latest venture was to promote and sell these products, and he was bitterly disappointed when I declined his offer for a free CD to watch and to order some (expensive!) products. There was a variety of reasons why I turned this down: the short version is that there are many unknown factors about cancers, and I felt he was being misleading by using statistics that didn’t line up with medical research. That’s not to say we can’t lessen the chemicals we use, but in this situation I didn’t feel right about making drastic changes. Also he was incorrect on several points, and basically seemed to me to be promoting products via scare-mongering tactics.
It didn’t end there, though. He wanted some answers as to why I was turning him down. “Why don’t you take the free CD?”, he pressed. And on and on we went in an awkward dance until he finally left.
“The only way to get the best of an
argument is to avoid it”
There’s been a lot of times in my life when I’ve disagreed with someone else’s opinions or views. It’s fair to say that I have even been quite opinionated at times! With the exception of close friends, however (who unfortunately for them do get to hear the full tirade of what I think on a particular subject matter!), I really have pulled back in recent years when it comes to disagreements with other people.
Let me also add that with my close friends these “discussions” are all in good fun, usually falling under the category of healthy debates over drinks and board games!
I’ve thought back to the “house products” scenario many times. Sometimes it’s just to laugh about the obscurity of it, other times I’ve reflected on just how far to take arguments.
Which leads me to a few questions:
- How far should we take an argument?
- Does it largely depend on factors such as topic or people involved?
- Should we hold true to our opinions when a lot is at stake, like a job or a relationship?
Argument technique
It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of Dale Carnegie and the points he makes in “How to Win Friends” (affiliate). He makes some particularly interesting remarks on the subject of arguments. He points out that when we enter into an argument, we’ve already lost. Avoidance really seems to be the best technique, particularly because most of the time you’ll discover that the person get’s defensive and digs their heels in, and afterwards continues to harbour feelings of ill will. I can certainly put my hand up for this kind of defensive response, it seems to be our natural inclination when people challenge us.
Sometimes with arguments you can be left with a situation where you’ve “proved” you are right - but for what? Does it really help that you’ve argued your point to the death? People don’t walk away from losing arguments thinking “wow, that guy is amazing!” I often wonder if there’s really any harm in letting other people think they are right sometimes?
“It is the way we react to circumstances
that determines our feelings.”
Win your arguments, but only when it matters
Personally, I think there are a lot of factors to consider when it comes to arguments. It’s difficult to run by a constant set of rules for every occasion. I’ve tried to use standard subtle argument techniques though on many occasions, with varying degrees of success. I’d like to offer the following suggestions:
- There is a difference between constructive debate and arguments. I think differences of opinion and bouncing ideas off each other plays a huge role in advancement, particularly in business and the workforce.
- You can’t avoid all confronting or conflicting situations, there are times when you will have to put forth your point of view. Case in point involves a recent conflict of opinion I’ve had at work regarding Christmas holidays!
- There is a lot to be said for trying to see the other person’s point of view. This is something I’ve been working on recently, and helps to suppress strong feelings you may have in a situation.
When it comes to petty arguments or times when someone is particularly loud and vocal with their opinion, I find that I tend to smile and nod and generally stay out of it. (With the exception of close friends, like I stated earlier). I find that letting someone “run with their rant” so to speak, helps to avoid conflict, particularly when I don’t feel that arguing a point will lead to any good.
One thing I do find annoying however, are habitual arguers. These are people who regularly start arguments and are particularly vocal with their beliefs, often in social or work situations. Why do they feel privileged enough to be able to dominate a room so frequently? Sometimes in these situations a group of people will join together and tell the person to shuttup! But is this a situation where avoidance is the best technique? Are we fuelling or encouraging the behaviour by choosing not to stand up to it?
I’m actually a big believer in confronting issues when they really need to be, and taking up problems with the person involved first (insert standard conflict resolution steps!) I really feel that it comes down to how important the issue is, and whether you have a good enough reason for arguing a particular point. Nonsensical arguing doesn’t help anyone.
How to handle arguments
Here’s a few of my favourite tips courtesy of Carnegie that I’ve paraphrased and really do agree with. (My apologies if you feel I’ve “over-Carnegied” this post!) I’m interested to hear whether or not you agree!
Listen up because these have real substance:
- Choose your arguments carefully
- Begin in a friendly way
- Show respect for other people’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong”.
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
- Try to really see things from the other person’s point of view
- Admit your mistakes. Be upfront rather than evasive - building trust is a key to winning people over
- Watch your emotions. Don’t let your feelings take over
These seven points are really the crux of what I’m trying to get at in this article. If you’ve skimmed over them quickly, take a second to read them again! I know I’ll be thinking a bit more about how to handle situations when potential arguments are at stake - how do you handle arguments or potential conflicts?
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I read the book on Dale Carnegie’s Win Friends and Influence People. Avoiding argument is definitely the best way to deal with arguments.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Vincent’s last blog post..7 Tips To Remove the Clutters On Your Desk
My Favorite Tip for Arguing or Negotiating is Think Fast annd Talk Slow
@Vincent - Avoidance is a good technique that’s not always possible, but can help you avoid lose-lose situations.
@Mike - I like the think fast and talk slow comment - reminds me of those pictures you see of ducks bobbing their heads above water and paddling furiously underneath. I like to think furiously and respond slowly if possible, though it’s easier said than done - I’m working on this and (hopefully) improving it gradually! Thanks for the visit.
First off, this reminds me I should pull my “How to Win Friends and Influence People” book off the shelf and give it another read - you didn’t over-Carnegie this post at all. In fact, I think you’ve given many valid reasons why we should study Mr. Carnegie more.
Arguments are something I try to avoid, if possible. However, I agree with you, that sometimes that just isn’t possible. Your seven tips are a great starting point on how to deal with arguments when they do arise. I just recently finished some training in facilitation - and one of the big things I took away from that was - if there is someone who is causing an argument - one that is detrimental to the group, not helping it - the best thing to do is take that argument away from the group. That way the person who started the argument can deal with just “you” - and ego may become less of a factor since there isn’t a group of people to which they are trying to impress their opinion. The take away, for me was that some arguments - while inevitable - can be taken to a private setting as to not affect others.
Anyway, I really like this post Ross!
Lance’s last blog post..Thanks For The Cookie
This was an excellent read, Ross! I would have to agree that avoiding most arguments is the way to go and I think the ones that should be addressed will show themselves to be clearly ‘worthy’ when the situation presents itself.
I find that arguing politics is one of those ‘avoid at all cost’ scenarios. I’ve also dealt with those people that want you to buy all your household products from some online store. They incredibly obnoxious. It’s as if they’ve been brainwashed by some cult and they ‘must get you to watch the CD!’.
Eric.
Eric Hamm’s last blog post..Painting Your Picture Of Paradise | Community Insight
@Lance - you continue to amaze me with your constructive comments. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you throw out a one-line “good article” comment ever, you always are very genuine with your comments / critique! You make an interesting point about taking some arguments away from the group. It’s something I hadn’t thought of and reminds me of a recent scenario at a meeting I was at: someone had a personal issue with fair rostering practises and basically wouldn’t let up about how infair his personal situation was. Prime example of how that would have been best dealt with by removing the argument from a public forum.
@Eric - Wow, politics… what a tough area - it can be be a divisive issue particularly when friends are involved, even family… I certainly try and stay out of most of those discussions also (other than with my wife!) The household product thing seems to ride in waves - it’s popular for a while, then you don’t hear about it for a while, then it’s back in vogue and people are trying to sell it to you again! I guess people are always looking for a buck - multi-level or pyramid marketing is going to keep raising it’s head in different forms (doh!). Hope you’re well!
It’s a beautiful thing when relationships contain a lot of inside jokes and information. This is a testament to the sacred space only two should share.
I remember texting 4 words to my girlfriend and her telling me she busted out laughing in class. I expected this because when either of us used those 4 words, the response is always the same. This type of intimacy can stave off a lot of arguments.
We have the inside joke thing going on.
The arguing factor is usually a waste of precious time the way I see it.
I respect the person’s right to disagree.
They should respect my right to feel the way I do.
With work.I bite my lip and try to never raise my voice or show any expression of hostility on my face.Often hard to do but I represent myself,I don’t want to appear overly emotional in a male dominated field.
As far as those salesmen are concerned- firm no even a smile when I slam the door in their face.
Excellent article Ross.
I will have to read up on Dale Carnegie.
Bunny got Blog’s last blog post..Helping Others To Help Yourself
@Usiku - Hi, thanks for visiting. Ja, inside jokes are pretty cool
@Bunny - Hmm women in business / male dominated fields opens up a whole new topic doesn’t it! I think we probably still have a long way to go in terms of treating all people as equals, and this goes for race as well as gender across the world. Nice technique for dealing with salesmen! Cheers.
Hi Everyone,
A few things come to mind in reading this article. I used to be so compelled to have arguments and win them or indulge/engage the person who wants to argue. For the most part I don’t want to waste the energy on these interactions. As Ross points out though, sometimes you can’t avoid confrontation.
In those situation the first question I ask myself is “would I rather be happy or right?” Usually I would rather be happy which leads me to say to the person “you are absolutely right.”
Unless I feel that someone is seeking an answer or is subconsciously looking to grow, I won’t bother. However, if there is a contribution I can make or something I can learn from them, I’m open to having the conversation.
This has served me pretty well and still has given me the space to be open and accepting of life and situations as they are.
Marc
Ross,
Checking in and yes it does ! Even the younger men see women have to work twice as hard as men.
I love the composition,but it is a lot of hard work.Some bosses see it and maybe too many of mine did and that is why I branched out on my own.
The thing is opposite in my personal life.I am not passive but just want to put the career woman “balls” on the shelf then.
Hope that one doesn’t offend anyone. Apologies now guys.
Bunny got Blog’s last blog post..Helping Others To Help Yourself
@Raised Path - I can relate: I also used to love a good argument, I’ve toned down a lot though! “I don’t want to waste the energy on these interactions” - you’re right, that’s exactly what happens…. Great to hear your thoughts on the matter, thanks..
@Bunny got Blog - No offense
Hi Ross,
One of the possible causes of arguments I have experienced is related to ignorance. As an habitual user of Christian forums, I have seen that most people only have a sketchy idea of other’s religions or denominations. So often the arguments run in circles in which somebody answers what it has not been asked and criticizes what somebody else doesn’t believe.
I wonder if it does not happen in other areas of our lives.
@Miguel - Hi, thanks for visiting. There really is a strong element of ‘arguing what we know’, or what we believe rather than investigating someone else’s point of view at times. This is something I’ve seen in the real world as well, as you elude to. The next step from that is people becoming critical as you also mention. I’m not sure if there’s an easy solution to this as people tend to dig their heels in and stay true to their beliefs rather than explore other possibilities.
I used to argue a fair bit more than I do now. I didn’t usually start them, but I always felt that if someone else did, then I had the right to finnish it. Or something along those lines. Now, I think there’s no point in just ‘being right’ and proving it, especially if it leaves the other person/people annoyed. So, I keep quiet more than I used to.
If I think a subject is important enough to discuss, or it’s going to be of benefit, I try to put things forward in terms like ‘this is my opinion & this is why I think so’ rather than ‘this is fact’. Also, if someone’s just plain wrong & a few people know it, proving them wron in a harsh way just makes everyone else feel superior, for a while. But now, I’d be more interested in leaving the person with something to think about, so I’ve found a good alternative is to ask questions. This sometimes causes people to re-evaluate, maybe later in their own time. Not always, but it leaves a better atmosphere than an argument. Finding the right questions can be the difficult bit…
Ross,
I find that a good way to keep a discussion from turning into an argument is to use “I” statements. It ties in with your suggestion to never say, “You’re wrong.” If instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” you say, “Hmm, I’ve read some information that says differently,” the other person will be a lot less likely to react defensively. The discussion is a lot more likely to remain a discussion instead of turning into an argument.
However, this again ties into the “pick your battles” issue. In your example, if you told your acquaintance that you’ve heard differently and maybe even asked, “Would you be interested in getting to the bottom of this?” he’d say no, and maybe even react defensively anyway, because he’s attached to being right. He’s staked his career on these opinions about carcinogens, so he’s not open to having an honest discussion about it.
Thanks for posting this. It’s good food for thought and ties into a lot of things we were talking about just yesterday!
Pace’s last blog post..Making a habit of being happy: 8 things that help me be happier
@Steve - Interesting revelation isn’t it, when you realise it doesn’t always matter that you prove you’re right!.. Good point about turning the argument into questions, can turn things into more of a discussion rather than “us versus them” sort of thing… Thanks for commenting.
@Pace - Hi there. You make some great points about defusing the situation, rather than dominating or walking away… Kind of like “option 3!” Pick your battles - I think this is a real key, I’m now a lot more selective with who I argue with and the subject matter than I used to… Thanks for your comments.