I’ve been married for some years now, and if there’s one thing I’ve discovered, it’s that maintaining a relationship doesn’t work on when you’re on autopilot! Just when I hit a point where I’m thinking “well at least that’s an area I don’t have to worry about!”, I’m brought back to the stark reality that you can’t just coast by, regardless of the amount of time spent together.
It’s not completely uncommon for divorce to occur even after 20, 30 years of marriage! You still have to work at making things work, and it’s really important not to neglect some of the fundamental basics for good relationships.
As time goes by, some parts of a relationship become easier. That period of I wonder what they’re thinking? gradually progresses to becoming more in tune with your partner: knowing how they are feeling, what they are thinking. You become more in sync with them as a person, and know where you stand in terms of areas of trust and accountability.
On the other hand, there is a tendency to become blasé about each other! You can become so used to having the other person around that you forget how important they are. You’re not so worried about hurting their feelings, and doing something special for each other can be a rarity!
Great Relationships
Want to maintain a great relationship? Get a load of this, it’s a great place to start:
- Respect – the single greatest part of a relationship. Do you respect your partner? How do you show it? Do you say nice things about them in front of your friends or other people, or do you criticize and whine about their weak areas?
- Do something nice – when was the last time you did something nice for your partner without them asking? How about giving them a massage, helping out with dinner, making them coffee, cleaning up around the house – there’s a thousand things you can do. The little things help so much in a relationship – do something nice often, it will make a world of difference.
- Compliments – I always try and compliment my wife on a regular basis. Compliments are not fake statements made to get something back for yourself – a compliment has to be genuine! If you don’t believe what you’re saying, don’t say it – really. There’s gotta be many good points about your partner – when you appreciate something that they do, tell them. Do they look nice today? Have they done something nice? Tell them!
- Be appreciative – everyone should take time out of their day to be thankful for the good things in their lives. Be thankful for your partner, for your relationships – take the time to realize you are blessed.
- Do things together – What things do you have in common? What things do you not like doing with your partner? Find something you both like to do and just hang out. Building a great relationship is much easier if you actually like doing things together. Laugh! Play! Go for a bike ride, go to the movies, play a game of tennis, bushwalk, go swimming, play cards, go on a wine tour, go out for breakfast, play twister… Together, you are unique – find something you like and do it together, at least on a moderately regular basis.
- Imperfections – listen up because this one’s important. After you have found that perfect person, life is sweet! You’re walking on air! Then one day you wake up and realize that your partner has a habit of leaving the milk out on the bench every day, and it irritates you. You discover they have bad nasal hair… You find out they have a snorty laugh that’s really annoying! The point is (listen carefully) nobody’s perfect! When you start to dwell on the other person’s imperfections, have a think about yourself! Are you perfect? Of course not – there’s just as many irritating things that you do. Try not to sweat the little things – and work on your own problems.
- Grass is greener syndrome – ever wonder if you’ve found the right person? Finding someone else attractive? Do you realize many people regret affairs for the rest of their lives?
Factor in the previous point on perfection – if you change your partner and go off with someone else, will you find something else you don’t like about them? Probably… I’m not suggesting you put up with a mediocre relationship just because it’s never going to be completely perfect in all ways – I’m just saying don’t let your mind fool you into thinking life would be great if only I was with that hot chick! Don’t wreck something great just because your mind (or eyes) are wandering.
Great relationships don’t happen by fluke. Put some effort into your relationships, and reap some great rewards.
What works for you?
I believe keeping things fresh and flirtatious is important,no matter how long you have been together.
Writing love notes,sexy text messaging when he is on his/her way to work or even to the store.
You also have to bring something new and fresh to the table from time to time.
Being together long enough to recognize mood swings — can be good and bad.It can turn in to a knowledge of pushing the others buttons.Of course not on purpose
but never the less I feel if someone doesn’t want to discuss their feelings the other should respect that.
The grass is always greener— lol. This is BS! Why would anyone want to start over and risk what they have worked on for years.Stupid people do that.People who never had a clue to what they really want in life,maybe.
I once was told in confidence by a man in his 40’s that he was having a hard time staying faithful to his wife because there are so many young beautiful women he is noticing.
I asked him this:
How would you feel if your wife was noticing all the young men around and thinking about rather or not she had missed out on some great affairs.
I never talked to him after that.
I believe marriage should be for life and the intentions
just that when you enter into it.
It wont get boring unless you let it.
It is spring time there so you should get out and about
This is all so important. I think I was shocked when one of our good friends who had been married for over 25 years got a divorce. How can you commit to something for 25 years and then walk away. But we can never become comfortable in our marriage, it is always a work in progress.
Relationships require continuous work. While you’re on autopilot your significant other is feeling ignored. By the time you realize you’ve been neglectful, it may be too late or time for major damage control.
Howdy folks..!
@Bunny – Totally, I like the idea of bringing fresh new things to the table – keep things alive, don’t get stale!
@Laurel – It always amazes me how this can happen in long term relationships – it makes me wonder if everyone reaches a point in their lives when they say “you know what – my life’s not far from being over! I better go try all the things I missed out on (including a new partner!)” Hopefully it’ll never happen to me – I can’t imagine it ever would!
@Clara – I’ve been in this very situation! – shuffling in with my tail between my legs & apologising about something or other… It’s good to be reminded that relationships need work and attention! Thanks for the comment…
It is well said ‘Great relationships don’t happen by fluke. Put some effort into your relationships, and reap some great rewards’. We had on several occasions breaking away. By some effort we have lived together for 30 years and hope to have it for several more years.
My hubby and try and do a physical activity everyday – like walking, hiking, biking, or snowshoeing in the Winter. Going for a simple walk or throwing snowballs at each other can really introduce (or keep) some fun and play in a relationship. In the Summer, every Saturday, we go for a long bike ride just to enjoy the sunshine and each others company, without the grind of housework or careers weighing on our minds.
@Ramtsam – it’s great to hear about relationships that last the test of time, very encouraging. Thanks for your input!
@Squawkfox – Hmm I’m envious of your comment on snowballs – I live on the sunshine coast in Australia – about as far away from snow as you can get! But I guess we have beautiful beaches, so that’s something!
Thanks for your comment – it’s good to hear from people who enjoy their relationships!
I totally agree with you. I myself have been married three times and been divorced twice. I hope I can maintain this relationship for good now. There are things that we often neglect and an “autopilot” marriage is surely the path, one must not go.
have a nice day.
Hi diTesco – thanks for your comment! Good luck on your quest for a solid relationship…
Having nice knockers, like the woman in the yellow dress, above, can add to a good relationship, too.
Incidentally – can I just mention that the surfing picture in the article, by Arnaud Bertrande is fantastic!