Most of the self help and personal growth material I have read recommends that we watch for and model ourselves on people we aspire to be like. Sometimes it’s suggested to find a mentor, find someone who inspires us and spend some time with them. Other times, we’re told to research people with great lives, to read and learn about how they acted in various situations.
Another popular suggestion is to rid ourselves of people in our lives who drag us down. I can certainly relate to this, nothing is more life-sucking than having an annoying fly buzzing in your ear, “you can’t do that! It’s already been done!” Staying optimistic, surrounding ourselves with like-minded people and minimising contact with pessimists therefore are key concepts that you can hear reiterated in many texts.
People do have a tendency to remove themselves from people they don’t click with. If you get a phone call from someone who wants to catch up, and it’s someone who you just can’t tolerate, I’m sure that suddenly you’ll find that unfortunately you have something on and won’t be able to make it. If it’s someone who you love to hang out with, suddenly some options open up and you happen to find the time to catch up!
Sometimes the situation is a little more complicated (particularly when it involves family members!) but generally speaking, it’s fair to say that we will avoid going out of our way to keep people in our lives when they annoy or irritate us, are pessimistic or for some reason we just don’t get along.
Which brings me to my question! (nearly!)
“No one ever cares about me”
“Why is it that no-one is ever around to help me when I need help?”
“Life is so freaking boring”
Have you ever heard people talking like that? My first reaction is often to think to myself, “well what are you doing about it!?” Typically I have a pretty low tolerance for self-pity! My way of thinking is that when your bathing in that kind of misery, it only fuels itself and makes you feel worse.
And so the question:
Compassion vs Personal Growth
- What are we supposed to do when there are people in our lives who bring us down, who have attitudes similar to the ones mentioned above?
Is is our job to help them, guide them? Do we put ourselves first and remove them from our lives? Or is it dependent upon whether they are family or not?
Often my natural inclination is to get away from people with these attitudes! Isn’t that what’s suggested if you want to improve your own life? It certainly can be really depressing hanging around people who are in the doldrums all the time. Or should we give these people a bit of support but play it very carefully - a “one more chance” kind of deal?
Compassion vs Personal Growth
One method I’ve seen in action is the palm and remove method: making sure people get help from a social worker or counselor, then not associating with them anymore. I’ve also seen the consequences of being overly compassionate, or not showing enough “tough love”. Sometimes this can lead to the person with self-pity repeating the same behavioural patterns over and over and over.
I’m not suggesting there is an easy answer, but I think that somewhere in the middle lies a balance of these priorities:
- Making sure our own lives are moving forward and not being held back by other people, yet
- Maintaining a degree of compassion.
The question can be applied to many different areas of our lives - money, friends, relationships, what we do with our time, our career… How much emphasis do we put on compassion, on helping others, and how much do we devote to looking out for number 1?
Personally I feel it largely depends on the situation, although I could probably improve on swinging the balance more in the compassion direction sometimes. Maybe I’ve been too quick to get people out of my life when I feel they’re not helping me move forward. What are your experiences with this?
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I like what you’re saying here. I agree that it’s a tough thing sometimes with friends and I admit that I’ve distanced myself from people who have I feel drained by or who are negative. I guess I tend to lean more towards the compassion side of things - my friends are my friends are my friends - if that makes sense!
In this world we are taught from a very early age that it is me first, look out for yourself, do what’s good for you etc etc. I think that on the whole as a society we are tending more towards a personal growth model where the emphasis on “personal” or “I” or “self”. Sometimes you get your richest experiences or growth phases when you focus on others and really give out to people who are going through really rough times in their life or give yourself to a cause that is bigger than yourself where you are focusing on helping others not just “self”. And sometimes that can be a drain - but isn’t it worth it?
But on the other hand - yes - there is that balance where you have to have a healthy and happy “self” to be the best help to others.
Good thought provoking article. Thanks.
Well well….. Welcome!
Friends regardless of circumstance, that kind of thing? So basically you’re suggesting it would take a fairly serious breach of friendship to totally cut off your friends, and you’re more likely to simply distance yourself further from negativity etc?
Your statement about the emphasis on “I” etc is spot on. Just look at Generation Y! It’s all about me! What can society do for ME, instead of the other way around.
Thanks for your well thought out comment.
Wow Ross, I struggle with compassion vs personal growth ALL the time. If I can’t avoid the “downers” (tons of family members) then I at least try to limit my time with them. I don’t know how I have ANY positive thinking with all the negative people around me. No wonder I try to hide alone!
Yep, I think it would take a pretty serious breach in the friendship for me to distance myself (has happened!) but there’s always room for change and for previously broken / negative friendships to be rebuilt positively - people change. And I think it’s about being open and positive about your own life and allowing people to be human as well as yourself
Keep up the good writing x
Nice post. When it comes to personal growth, I think we must first understand who we are. This can be achieved by knowing and understanding our core values. Once this happens, everything falls into place, I think.
Kevin Touhey’s last blog post..Progress
@Bloggernewbie - Ha! Yep people can be like that all the time! Recently I’ve been surprised though, people I thought who would create a scene over things have not been as troublesome as I thought… interesting!
@Amy - Good point that there’s always room for change.. it’s good to keep room in your life for forgiveness, something all of us probably find hard to do from time to time!
@Kevin - Hi, thanks for visiting! You’re so right regarding falling back on our core values and what we believe. This is a real key to being a strong person and being consistent with our behaviours and attitudes.
Ross,
In my life, every time I’ve chosen personal growth over compassion, I’ve ended up doing better at both. If I focus on myself, my own motivations, my own self-knowledge, my own inner peace and security, and my own spirituality, two wonderful things happen. One, I end up having more to give to others since I’m no longer neurotic about it. Two, what I do give to others is more pure. It’s not given out of guilt or feeling like I “should” be helping others. It’s given freely once I’m in balance with myself.
I agree that a balance is good, and I could see my path being the exact wrong one for someone who was coming from the opposite direction. But that’s what it’s been like for me. The apparent tradeoff turns out to be a win/win.
Pace’s last blog post..Mushy anniversary post. (:
With all respect, I disagree. I believe that personal growth, whatever that means, it’s a comunitarian road in which nobody is excluded. What’s more, often my growth has been more real when I have to confront myself with the weaker or those who act in a negative way.