So I happened across an elderly couple recently, she was sick and he was fussing over her.

They were foreigners, I could tell from their accents, perhaps Czech.

I wondered (as I do from time to time) if they had been a couple for quite some time. Let me just note at this point that I have previously smiled at an elderly couple and asked how long they had been together and received the reply “oh, 18 months now!” so nothing really surprises me these days.

Anyway, getting back to the Czech’s. Something about them seemed bonding, maybe it was the look in his eyes as he was leaving her for the night, I’m not sure. I asked him how long they had been together.

“Just a short time” he replied. “63 years of marriage”.

Wow! I was completely intrigued. My mind was racing with questions like “are you serious? What is this big secret that so many people miss out on? How do you stay together for that long?!”

And so I asked him: “What advice can you give to someone like me, what’s the secret?”

“Love”, he pleads with me, with his hands out in front of him.

At this point I’m thinking to myself “Love!? What a letdown! That’s no secret!” And he went on….

“Love, just love. Taking care of each other in good times and bad.”

Interestingly enough, I asked the same question to his spouse later on: “Love” she replied earnestly. “And when you fight, finish the argument, resolve your issues and go to bed as friends.”

So later I find myself musing on this, ready for 63 years of marriage because all of a sudden I’m armed with this amazing, hidden secret that no one has heard about before: love!

In retrospect however, I wondered if there was something I missed?

credit: Jeff Kubin

What is love?

What are we even talking about when we make a general statement like “All you need is love” (thanks, John Lennon!)

What is love? Enjoying someone’s company? Thinking about them and wanting to be near them? Or is it more about putting other people first, meeting their needs and making them feel special?

Maybe it’s about complimenting your partner in public or when surrounded by friends. Maybe it’s about missing them when they’re not around, or longing to be with them. I’m sure it has a lot to do with partnership and enjoying each other’s company. And of course it’s also about physical attraction.

In truth, the concept of love is all these things and more. The secret therefore to having a 63 year marriage is not only “love”, it’s all of the things that love embodies – having a love for each other that transcends our stupid selfishness.

After all, a deep and meaningful loving relationship asks us to be selfless. Putting ourselves first in life will not encourage longevity in any relationship.

It’s funny how a single word of advice from a veteran of marriage can spark up so many ideas and thoughts. Maybe a question we can ask of ourselves is “if I really love my partner, what am I doing about it?” Or, “am I still behaving as if I really love this person? Have I let my standards slip?”

To your success in love and life!

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Newlyweds! What a great time.. All gooey and gushy over each other! You feel like you would do anything at all for your partner, and you can’t believe that you’ve found someone who feels equally about you! All the mushiness is layed on so thick that it’s borderline sickening for onlookers! (or is that jealousy?!)

I remember in particular the first few months of my marriage – I was flat, FLAT broke and living in a tiny unit. We didn’t have that build up of essential stuff that all homes have after a while, so we were trying to build up slowly. Things like paper towels, cleaning products, basic cookware, glasses – some people are fortunate enough to have all these things covered by wedding gifts, but you still often discover you are missing things!

After the first year things tend to pan out a little. You start to get used to each others little habits, and the blinders you were wearing get taken off, exposing peripheral vision that can be both enlightening and detrimental to a couple.

In the first few years of my marriage, my wife and I argued quite often! I think this is partly because we are both strong headed people and like to get our opinion across, but on reflection I’ve discovered there’s probably a little more to the story.

credit: elventear

Many people like to give you advice when you are in those first few years. Some of the advice I received was good, some was based purely on other people’s experiences rather than my own, and was applicable only to someone else’s relationship. The truth is, your own personal experience will be different from everyone else. But in all honesty, your marriage will become stale and boring unless you work at making it work, and really take on board advice from people who have gone through it before!

Don’t believe it? Check out the world divorce statistics…

Advice for newlyweds

The W network have collated a couple interesting tips for newlyweds as follows, check it out:

• “Don’t panic about the ‘forever, til death do us part’ bit. Remember that the future only comes one day at the time. Also, separate bathrooms. This is truly the key to long term happiness.” — Kristina Matisic, Shopping Bags
• “Don’t listen to advice from non-married people. Just have fun and loads of sex!” — Tricia Braun , “Lana” from The Smart Woman’s Survival Guide
• “My best advice for newlyweds is to enjoy and appreciate each other, communicate honestly with each other and keep sticky family and friend fingers out of your personal decision making. It is a tough world these days for keeping relationships strong – make it a ‘small circle’ and keep it tight.” — Evelyn Eshun, Take This House and Sell It

credit: Jason.Hudson
• “My best advice for newlyweds is to truly respect one another. Another key thing is to take time for one another as well as still maintain time away from each other – meaning, do not smother one another. You still need to have a life of your own so take time for other friends as well. No ball-and-chains allowed!” — Margie White-Doyle, Take This House and Sell It
• “Don’t take your inlaws with you on your honeymoon!” — Jackie Dennison, Rescue Mediums

What would I tell myself back when I was newly wed, if I had the benefit of many years of reflection? Based on where I’m at now, the things I feel are really important are:

• Don’t be selfish
• Have plans for your money habits (saving and spending)
• Life is short, don’t waste it
• Appreciate how blessed you are in finding each other
• Keep calm in your arguments, don’t fight to the death to prove you’re right!
• Be careful of your words – they can’t be taken back
• Accept your partner for who they are – they’re different to you!
• Maintain high moral standards and respect for each other

As an added bonus, check out this great video on the sad truth about relationships!

What are your thoughts – do you have any tips or experiences you’ve picked up along the way?

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credit: lubright

It’s not completely uncommon for divorce to occur even after 20, 30 years of marriage! You still have to work at making things work, and it’s really important not to neglect some of the fundamental basics for good relationships.

As time goes by, some parts of a relationship become easier. That period of I wonder what they’re thinking? gradually progresses to becoming more in tune with your partner: knowing how they are feeling, what they are thinking. You become more in sync with them as a person, and know where you stand in terms of areas of trust and accountability.

On the other hand, there is a tendency to become blasé about each other! You can become so used to having the other person around that you forget how important they are. You’re not so worried about hurting their feelings, and doing something special for each other can be a rarity!

Great Relationships

credit: Señor Hans

Want to maintain a great relationship? Get a load of this, it’s a great place to start:

• Respect – the single greatest part of a relationship. Do you respect your partner? How do you show it? Do you say nice things about them in front of your friends or other people, or do you criticize and whine about their weak areas?
• Do something nice – when was the last time you did something nice for your partner without them asking? How about giving them a massage, helping out with dinner, making them coffee, cleaning up around the house – there’s a thousand things you can do. The little things help so much in a relationship – do something nice often, it will make a world of difference.
• Compliments – I always try and compliment my wife on a regular basis. Compliments are not fake statements made to get something back for yourself – a compliment has to be genuine! If you don’t believe what you’re saying, don’t say it – really. There’s gotta be many good points about your partner – when you appreciate something that they do, tell them. Do they look nice today? Have they done something nice? Tell them!
• Be appreciative – everyone should take time out of their day to be thankful for the good things in their lives. Be thankful for your partner, for your relationships – take the time to realize you are blessed.
• Do things together – What things do you have in common? What things do you not like doing with your partner? Find something you both like to do and just hang out. Building a great relationship is much easier if you actually like doing things together. Laugh! Play! Go for a bike ride, go to the movies, play a game of tennis, bushwalk, go swimming, play cards, go on a wine tour, go out for breakfast, play twister… Together, you are unique – find something you like and do it together, at least on a moderately regular basis.

credit: arnaud bertrande
• Imperfections – listen up because this one’s important. After you have found that perfect person, life is sweet! You’re walking on air! Then one day you wake up and realize that your partner has a habit of leaving the milk out on the bench every day, and it irritates you. You discover they have bad nasal hair… You find out they have a snorty laugh that’s really annoying! The point is (listen carefully) nobody’s perfect! When you start to dwell on the other person’s imperfections, have a think about yourself! Are you perfect? Of course not – there’s just as many irritating things that you do. Try not to sweat the little things – and work on your own problems.
• Grass is greener syndrome – ever wonder if you’ve found the right person? Finding someone else attractive? Do you realize many people regret affairs for the rest of their lives?

  Factor in the previous point on perfection – if you change your partner and go off with someone else, will you find something else you don’t like about them? Probably… I’m not suggesting you put up with a mediocre relationship just because it’s never going to be completely perfect in all ways – I’m just saying don’t let your mind fool you into thinking life would be great if only I was with that hot chick! Don’t wreck something great just because your mind (or eyes) are wandering.

Great relationships don’t happen by fluke. Put some effort into your relationships, and reap some great rewards.

What works for you?

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I’m happy to say I finally feel like I’ve worked up enough credit to be able to speak on this topic (after 13 years of marriage), and aside from some ups and downs in the first couple years, I’m also pleased to say that things really have gone well overall!

I’d be a fool to believe that it’s all plain sailing now even after years have gone by, and it’s with this in mind that I reflect on some of the things I’ve learned (often through trial and error, mishaps and regrets!) along the way.

So here are some of the greatest ways to keep your relationship alive, make you appreciate your partner more, and ultimately stay happy!

1. Go the extra mile.

By this, I’m talking about going out of your way to do things for your partner. If you’re tired after work and sitting on the couch, hop up and help her with dinner for a while. Drive out to the shop and grab the bread she forgot to buy earlier. The small sacrifices you make will do wonders for your relationship: showing the person that you care enough to take action is far better than being all talk.

2. Compliment your partner.

I’ve spoken on the value of compliments to your co-workers, friends and acquaintances recently, and the same holds true for close relationships. If I want my wife to continue to look great and spend time looking after herself, complimenting and encouraging is really important! The same holds true for me also: I’m a lot more inclined to spend time on not just personal grooming and appearance, but also trying to be a better person if I’m hearing encouragement and getting support. Complimenting each other will certainly draw you closer.

3. Factor in some alone time.

This is really hard to do, especially if you’re like me and lead a fairly busy life. Throw in shift work and kids into the equation, and you start to forget who your partner is! It’s really important to make time for each other. You can do this by delaying other tasks that are not as important – if you have an hour free, go out for coffee together! This is something I’ve really tried to step up over the last year or so – we try to go out for breakfast together on a semi-regular basis now, and at the very least devote some alone time with each other when we’re able to.

credit: vanz

4. Speak kindly.

You’d think this one would be obvious, but the first year pet names of “lovey, honey-pie, snookums!” often become a distant memory the longer a relationship is together. Even if you don’t call your partner pet names so much anymore, don’t forget to treat each other with respect. Speak kindly! Don’t put the other person down.

5. Address problem areas.

One area of mine that I (still!) need to work on, is being tidy with my clothes. I love nothing more than to get changed and toss my old clothes into a corner of the room. This works great when you’re living with your parents or at college, not so great in a marriage! If something’s irritating you about your partner, talk about it (not scream!), tell them how it makes you feel. Don’t get defensive, work on addressing problem areas in your own life – it will make your relationship a whole lot better!

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Have you ever met a perfect person? Sometimes some people seem this way when you first meet them, then you discover they snort when they laugh, they have anger management issues, or maybe they can’t hold a conversation that’s not about themselves… There are plenty of things we find out about each other the longer relationships progress. Letting little things get to you can put your whole relationship in jeopardy (I’m sure you’ve heard of a divorce that started over a toothpaste tube argument!). And for what purpose? So you can get with someone else who seems ‘perfect’, until you discover their flaws? Instead, use the opportunity to think about yourself – what little things are you doing that might be irritating your partner?

7. Stay friends.

Probably the best contributing factor (and my favourite) in my own relationship, is my friendship with my wife. We really actually do enjoy each others company! Don’t turn into a boring stiff just because you’re getting older – laugh! Muck around! Have fun with each other, and stay friends. This is a great key to a relationship that is lasting and meaningful.

These are some of the best things that I’ve learned (and continue to work on!) What have you found works well for you?

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