A while back I wrote a post titled The Heart of Life, where I mentioned that world news seems to be quite grim these days. The question behind that post was what is at our core? In other words, would people rather hear positive, encouraging information or has there been a shift in society?

Recently I decided to take up a challenge from Smile-Therapy.com, a site that interestingly enough also recognises the value of good news. The basic premise of the site is that a membership gives you access to a “Wisdom & Idea Library” containing a growing mass of info, quotes, links and tips, and you also receive a daily positive email.

The Smile-Therapy Challenge

The first thing you notice if you visit the Smile Therapy homepage is that you are encouraged to take up the $15 Smile Therapy challenge, which (from the home page) looks a little something like this:

1. Invest $15
2. Try Smile-Therapy for 3 (three) months
3. Receive your Daily Dose of OPTIMISM. (30 – 90 second SNIPPETS of Positive-ness)
4. If not satisfied, request your $15 refund… PLUS 20%.

To me that sounded like quite a fair proposal, so when Tim from Smile Therapy encouraged me to take up his $15 challenge, I decided to give it a go.

The Verdict

I must admit that the main reason I was a little apprehensive at first was because I was worried about the quality of email I would be receiving. I already receive enough of those fluffy emails that are all soppy and sugary. You know the ones, with flashing teddy bears and some story about a little kid who died and the moral is we need to live each day as if it’s the last?

Turns out once I started receiving emails from Smile-Therapy I was pleasantly surprised. I’d go so far to call it “positive encouragement for adults”. I can assure you there are no flashing teddy bears, roses or pleas to “send this on to ten of your friends!”

The Good:
I think the true value of the Smile-Therapy challenge for me is the daily email. While the membership section of the web page has some interesting info, I find that I get the greatest value from discovering the unexpected in my inbox.

Generally the emails are relatively short, able to be read in a minute or two, but any longer than this and you’d never get around to reading them! There’s quite an array of topics that arrive through the Smile-Therapy daily email, for example: words of encouragement, tips about money, lessons from world leaders, the occasional quiz or brainteaser, links to videos or posts online, business tips, interpersonal skills and generally large doses of optimism to get your life pointed in the right direction.

The Bad:
I think the challenge represents really great value for money, so I don’t have a lot of bad points to add. One thing I will mention is that because I’m from Australia, some of the money / savings tips apply for American residents only. This kind of ‘bonus offer’ for smile-therapy members comes along fairly infrequently, and I was warned up front about it, so I’m not bothered in the slightest. If there’s an occasional email that doesn’t apply to me and my circumstances, big deal – I’ll see what tomorrow brings…

What Now?

Look, let me just add that the times I got the most benefit from the Smile Therapy emails was when I least expected it. Tim will never really know how applicable his positive email was just at a time when I needed to hear it. Either his sense of timing is impeccable, or someone else is watching over my life

If you could do with a bit of positivity in your life from time to time, go over and check out the Smile-Therapy $15 Challenge. Remember, if you’re not that into it or find you’re not getting what you expected, you get all your money back – that’s a pretty good guarantee!

Oh, one other thing I forgot to mention. I don’t know Tim personally, but I’ve had some correspondence with him via email from time to time, and I get the impression that he’s a great guy. He’s polite, direct, and has a certain genuine quality which I’ve discovered is the exception rather than the norm in the world these days. So while I agree with the concept of Smile-Therapy and I like the daily emails, an added bonus is that the site master is a very approachable guy… thought I’d mention it!

Click Here to check out Smile-Therapy.com

NB – I have no affiliation with Smile-Therapy, and this is NOT a paid post. I just happen to like the concept!

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2. Control your emotions
3. Make money doing what you love – really?
4. How to be a skeptic

When someone dies does it change how we feel about them?

Do the things that bug us and irritate us about other people always seem insignificant after they are gone?

I was reminded of this thought when reading Lisa Marie Presley’s blog article on Michael Jackson’s death. Lisa says:

After the Divorce, I spent a few years obsessing about him and what I could have done different, in regret.
 
Then I spent some angry years at the whole situation.
 
At some point, I truly became Indifferent, until now.
 
As I sit here overwhelmed with sadness, reflection and confusion… I am truly, truly gutted. Any ill experience or words I have felt towards him in the past has just died inside of me along with him.

This makes me wonder – why do we tend to drop negative thoughts after someone has died? Is it out of respect that we remember the good things about a person? Or is it that we feel stupid for making a big deal out of insignificant things?

Perhaps our intentions are good in retrospect, eg. “I wish they could come back so I can just apologise for acting so stupid”. If we could actually do this however, reverse time and do things differently, I suspect that pretty soon we would find the same things just as irritating to us…

Here’s a thought – how about when we deal with living people? When getting angry at someone, would it make a difference if we knew the person was not going to be around much longer?

When we truly reflect on ourselves, are we really being honest when we say “I would do things so much differently, if only….”

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Many of these are routine things: being the primary or joint earner, being Mr. fix-it, doing the heavy lifting, checking the car oil, doing the mowing etc…

credit: SubDirection

A man is also expected to compliment or be a buffer to others in the household – having a second opinion to that of his spouse, someone who is consistent with rules & an upholder of values.

Where we allow some emotional leeway for women at times, the same cannot always be said of men – there is a general expectation that the man will not crumble into a heap at the slightest pressure (I’m not suggesting that women do, either!)

Generally speaking, men are often expected to:

• be able to cope with stressful situations
• be able to look like they are in control and know what they are doing
• be the ‘rock’ or unwavering one of the family
• be a problem solver
• command authority from the kids and have general respect within the family

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that women and children have it easy, I’m simply stating that there are many unspoken pre-conceived ideas of the male figure.  Men play their part and mostly follow along with these expectations, and because of this it can mean that a man has a difficult time expressing himself emotionally, or having an outlet during times of pressure or difficulty coping.

Men Get Depressed!

The truth is, (shhh not too loudly) – men can get depressed!  As infallible as they seem (I know, it’s true!), men can really struggle at times.  Sometimes it’s for minor reasons like boredom or age.  Other times it’s for things like feeling unfulfilled at work, coming to terms with not realizing childhood dreams, or money matters.

Symptoms of Depression

Some of the symptoms of depression include:

• Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood
• Feeling of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being ‘slowed down’
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Trouble sleeping, early-morning awakening or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight changes
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain which does not respond to routing treatment (source: National Institute of Mental Health http://www.nimh.nih.gov)

What to do about depression?

credit: Heart Industry

So, if you are a guy who has been feeling some of these symptoms recently, sometimes it’s hard to know what to do.  There is certainly an element of pride that comes with being a male – it’s hard not to feel like you are being weak or showing weakness by admitting some of these feelings.  You should know that you are not alone in feeling this way – in fact, it’s been estimated that annually depression affects 7-12% of men.  In the US alone this equates to more than 6 million men!

The first thing you need to do is acknowledge the fact that you are feeling this way.  Don’t pretend that everything is fine – if you are experiencing symptoms that might suggest you are depressed, do something about it!  Ignoring it or trying to cope with it on your own can make things even more stressful or hopeless.

Seek some help!  Yes, this can be hard to do.  I’m as bad as any guy when it comes to asking for help! However, your family and loved ones need you, and you need yourself to be in good shape.  This means physically, emotionally, spiritually – don’t ignore signs that you need help in your life.

There are many ways to get started with tackling depression, the first thing is to talk to someone about it.  If you’re not comfortable talking with your spouse or family, start with your GP who can give you some recommendations and treatment or send you to a specialist.  There are many treatments that can help a lot with depression – sometimes this involved medication, other times it’s about management and knowing what to do when symptoms occur.

Most communities have other outlets such as mental health specialists, family clinics or other health avenues where you can get started with talking to someone.  Look in your phone book / online directory or see your GP to find out the best people to talk to near you. Check out Depression.com for more info, or men and depression for some available resources.

The important thing is don’t delay – realise you need help and do something about it.

Go on, be a man.

Related posts:

1. Change your stress levels
2. Giving up on life
3. Go on, motivate me!
4. Blatantly Honest Responses to ‘Giving Up on Life’

credit: Ma Vera

People thrive on being with and around other people.  Depending on your upbringing and personality, some people find it easier to be around and interact with other people, and others find it terrifying and difficult.  Regardless, we were all made with the ability and need to interact and have fellowship with other people.

Loneliness is a terrible thing.  It’s often compounded by the fact that people who are alone often become resilient & build barriers.  This can make it even more difficult to trust people, interact with people and enjoy other peoples company.  Feelings of loneliness can sometimes be reinforced by continuing to try & get by on your own strength without involving other people.

Where to Start?

The first thing to do if you are feeling alone is not to stew in misery.  Staying at home and torturing yourself with self-pity will only strengthen negative feelings & will not help your situation.  Don’t beat up on yourself so much – it’s important to recognise that you have great qualities, and were made for a purpose.  Don’t let self-esteem issues ruin your life.

If you genuinely want to live a life where you don’t feel lonely, you need to get out of your comfort zone.

Start by taking some risks, speaking up, getting involved.  Are the first steps difficult? Yes.  But you will feel so much better about yourself for stepping out.  Here are some things you can try if you want to get on top of loneliness in your life:

1. Get involved in the community – there are many volunteer and help groups around, you can check the paper or internet for details

2. Join a church - there are many social aspects to church groups, even if you are not sure about your beliefs at this stage.  Many churches are non-confrontational, and you will find the people that go there are just people like you, with hopes and dreams – not freaks. (If you find yourself in a cultish church, change to another!)

3. Join a sport – many individual and team sports are great for meeting and being around other people.  Sports groups exist that cater for absolute beginners of all ages.

4. Do a course – this will at least get you out of the house & involved with doing something and surrounding yourself with people who have a common interest.

5. Exercise – go to a gym, go to a fitness group, start running.. find someone who wants to walk regularly – it’s great for your fitness & mental well being.

credit: St-Even

6. Learn something - an instrument, a language etc

7. Be positive! Life is what you make it…

For more ideas, see the following links:

Working from home & loneliness
Suggestions for overcoming loneliness

Related posts:

1. Personal Growth: where to start
2. On religion and man-made belief: “my last prayer”
3. Depression and men
4. Dealing with regret

 
People are filled with regret for many reasons. I met a man last week who hammered his mountain bike down a hill and hit a pedestrian, who will most likely die from head injuries. I know of people who have driven their car after drinking. I know a man who was glassed in the head in a bar fight. A friend of mine who was unfaithful to his girlfriend once said to me “I don’t know why I did it, I wish I didnt.. I think about it all the time”. 

Other people have regrets about other things, like not saying goodbye to someone that last time before they were in a crash.. Or not having a relationship with their children before they grew up.

credit: nataliej

Regret can be a powerful thing that takes hold of your life.  When feelings of regret are very strong, the thoughts and emotions can chip away at your life and bring you down.

Here’s something that may be a little tough to swallow, so hear me out before you pick up the closest heavy lamp and throw it at me! Beginning to deal with regret starts with you. Even though you may have done something terrible, you can begin to get past it and move on with life. I’m certainly not excusing behaviour that is immoral, illegal or otherwise, regrets are sometimes there for a reason – a conviction in your heart that you should not have done that particular thing.  However, it’s one thing to remember a situation and learn from it, another to harbour regrets that hold you back in many areas of life. You still have the whole rest of your whole life to live – don’t waste your life away thinking about what could-have, should-have happened!

Dealing with regret

Some times dealing with regret means confronting a situation and bringing things into the open. This is a particularly hard thing to do, but can help you get your life back on track.  Apologise to the person involved, admit you were at fault, try to make amends. Learn from your past experience! You can’t change what has happened, but you can make a decision, today, to make amends as much as possible, and live a life that has high standards from this point on.

Other times, regret involves a past experience that is constantly played back in the mind.  The truth is, you cannot change the past, no matter how much you wish it to be so. If someone has died, you just don’t have the opportunity to tell them things that you wanted to say. Getting past regrets can seem tough for people in this situation, however you can also begin to deal with regrets in your life.  The plan for your life is not for you to stew in past misery and regret!

From wikiHow, check it out:

Overcoming Regrets

1. Determine what your regret really is. Do you regret something you did or Something you didn’t do? Something someone else did or did not do? A circumstance beyond your control? It is important to step back from the feelings of regret and identify exactly what the regret is.

2. Ask for forgiveness and make amends. Apologize for any harm you may have caused others. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Be compassionate toward everyone involved.

credit: incurable_hippie

3. Accept the circumstances. Avoid blaming others but rather take responsibility for anything that you could have better handled.

4. Deal with toxic relationships. Sometimes other people cause us to do things that leave us with serious regrets. Do you have a toxic relationship that needs to be addressed or severed?

5. Grieve for your regrets. When we feel regret, we relive guilt, sadness or anger over and over again. Allowing yourself to experience these feelings fully with the intention of moving forward can help you stop revisiting them.

6. Recognize what you have learned or gained. When you find yourself thinking of the regret, turn your thoughts to the things you have learned and the opportunities that are now yours – even if they are not what you would have preferred. There is always a lesson even in pain and sadness. Look for the lesson and focus on it instead of what might have been.

7. Write out a plan or agreement for yourself that identifies how you could avoid having this sort of regret in the future.

Additionally, see thoughts and advice on dealing with regret.

Do you have any regrets in your life? I have many! I think one of the keys to managing regret is to avoid pushing it to the back of your mind or ignoring it. Confront the issue and begin to deal with it. Any thoughts?

Related posts:

1. Do opinions of people change after they die?
2. Control your emotions
3. Change your stress levels
4. What to do about loneliness

credit: Jaap Steinvoorte (Japarazzi)

In the last 5 years of my life I found my personality and character has changed a lot compared to when I was a teenager. It’s not so much that my interests are massively different, or that I have morphed into a completely different being, but I have noticed the way I respond to situations and handle problems has changed.

Some of these changes are for the better – I have learned not to race in to problems without thinking things through, and I have become a lot better at not blurting out the first thing that comes into my head!

Some of the changes are not so good – sometimes I don’t recognise warning signs of when a stressful event is affecting me. Partly this is probably due to not having as many cares when I was younger, or maybe it’s that the ramifications of my actions now affect other people in my life who count on me – my wife and kids are directly affected by my job and money decisions, for instance.

Stress affects different people in different ways. Some of the more common stressors that affect lots of people include the following:

• life events (births, deaths, marriage or divorce)
• responsibilities (unemployment, no money)
• illness (sickness, depression)
• work/study stressors
• personal relationships (conflict, lack of trust issues, demands placed on people)
• lifestyle (lack of sleep, drinking, drugs, wasting time)
• Environment (living situations, housing, food, clothing, freedom or mobility issues)
• Social (isolation, problems fitting in)

credit: c@rljones

For me personally, it’s been a difficult thing to admit that I can get affected by stress! Partly this is a pride thing, partly its because I’m male. Being Australian does not help either (don’t you know that Aussie guys are tough?) But when I really take a step back and look at things, I can not only see how stressful events affect my decisions and actions, but also my body and health.

Stress can manifest itself in many different ways. Helpguide.org list several of the more common symptoms as follows:

Cognitive Symptoms, such as :
* Memory problems
* Indecisiveness
* Inability to concentrate
* Trouble thinking clearly
* Poor judgment
* Seeing only the negative

Emotional Symptoms, like:
* Moodiness
* Agitation
* Restlessness
* Short temper
* Irritability, impatience
* Depression or general unhappiness

Physical Symptoms:
* Headaches or backaches
* Muscle tension and stiffness
* Diarrhea or constipation
* Nausea, dizziness
* Insomnia

credit: caribbeanfreephoto

Behavioral Symptoms:
* Eating more or less
* Sleeping too much or too little
* Isolating yourself from others
* Procrastination, neglecting responsibilities
* Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax
* Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

Many other medical conditions are caused or exacerbated by stress, such as:
* Chronic pain * Migraines * Ulcers * Heartburn * High blood pressure

Stress can be part of your life in small or large amounts, and the initial goal is not really to completely eliminate it from your life. Emotions, responses, interactions and feelings are an important part of being human and enjoying life! You still want to be able to experience and handle these emotions and life experiences without becoming a lifeless brick wall who doesn’t respond or react to other people. Managing stress is the real key, and can help you to become healthier and enjoy life more.

Reach out have some easy beginner tips to managing stress:

Go for a Walk or Run – Exercising can be a good way of relieving stress. It helps to get rid of all that pent up energy and can leave you feeling much calmer. Any sort of exercise can be good. You may want to go and kick a footy with friends or head to the gym.

Hang Out with Friends – If you are feeling stressed you may need to take your mind off things for a while. Hanging out with friends is one way of doing that. It may be that similar things that stress you out, also stress your friends out, and so talking about your problems with them may be helpful.

Taking Some Deep Breaths – Deep breathing can help to relax the body and hence calm you down. Taking deep breaths before an exam, game, job interview or before going on stage may help to calm you down and focus on what it is you are about to do.

Setting Realistic Goals – Becoming over-stressed may make it harder to keep things in perspective. Setting realistic goals (both for the short-term and long-term) and priorities and time management may be useful ways of managing your stress. You may want to check out the fact sheet on Stress at Exam Time, Time Management and Setting Goals for more information.

credit: woodleywonderworks

Have Multiple Options to Achieve your Goals – There is never just one way to achieve something. It’s important not to put all your eggs into one basket – investigate and plan other ways to get to where you want to go, whether it’s a uni degree, job, or holiday vacation.

Try to Avoid Smoking, Alcohol, and Caffeine – It may be tempting to use smoking and alcohol as a means of managing your stress. Try to avoid using these things as a way of coping, as in the long run they may make you more stressed out.

Watch What You’re Thinking - Your outlook, attitude, and thoughts influence the way you see things. Is your cup half full or half empty? A healthy dose of optimism can help you make the best out of stressful circumstances. Even if you’re out of practice, or tend to be a bit of a pessimist, everyone can learn to think more optimistically and reap the benefits.

Speaking to Someone - If you are finding you are always stressed and it is hard to carry on with day to day stuff, it may be helpful to talk to someone about it. Parents, teachers, a school counsellor or youth worker are people that may be able to help you cope. Check out the Finding Help section for more information on who can help you.

Additionally, diet and exercise can play a role in helping manage stress levels appropriately.

Related posts:

1. Why change my attitude?
2. Finding the will to change your life
3. E-book review: Thirty Days to Change Your Life
4. Do opinions of people change after they die?

Think about the faces you make when you drop one of your partner’s favourite things and it breaks – you look up at each other…. what is conveyed? Anger? Saddness? Irritation? In that split second, your facial expression tells a thousand words…

credit: Davic

Emotions can be a powerful, important tool when dealing with every day situations. We have an amazing ability to feel and convey six universally accepted emotions (+ a couple others such as love and shame that don’t make the ‘official’ list):

• fear
• anger
• sadness
• happiness
• surprise, and
• disgust

I often like watching people. Not in a freaky, stalker kind of way, but sitting waiting for a bus.. or waiting outside the shops while my wife is buying something – I like to watch peoples faces. Are they in a hurry? Are they upset? When we look at people we can gauge very quickly whether they are familiar. We also can instantaneously pick up on their current mood or feelings, and whether or not they look lazy/studious/old/worried etc – and then we respond accordingly.

We use our emotions to influence our behaviour.

If we feel afraid, we try and escape from the danger. If we are disgusted, we might feel sick. When happy, we might laugh and relax. We use emotions every day to make lifestyle decisions.

credit: Dawn Ashley

Uncontrolled Emotion

So why is it that sometimes our emotions seem to have a mind of their own – something might trigger a sad memory and cause someone to become instantly upset, and some people fly into fits of unprovoked aggression at the drop of a hat.

We need to be able to feel and recognise a range of emotions, but problems seem to occur when there are extremes of emotions: sadness can lead to depressive states, pleasure can lead to addictions, sadness can become depression. Feeling afraid in a dangerous situation is natural and useful, but being too afraid or being unreasonably fearful can lead to panic attacks, phobias and anxiety.

Familydoctor.org have some great tips on dealing with emotions:

* Learn to express your feelings in appropriate ways. It’s important to let people close to you know when something is bothering you. Keeping feelings of sadness or anger inside takes extra energy and can cause problems in your relationships and at work or school.

credit: Daily misery

* Think before you act. Emotions can be powerful. But before you get carried away by your emotions and say or do something you might regret, give yourself time to think.

* Strive for balance in your life. Make time for things you enjoy. Focus on positive things in your life.

* Take care of your physical health. Your physical health can affect your emotional health. Take care of your body by exercising regularly, eating healthy meals and getting enough sleep. Don’t abuse drugs or alcohol.

Related posts:

1. Dealing with regret
2. Change your stress levels
3. Reflecting on uniqueness
4. Personal Growth: where to start